"It's not easy," Anita Longhibler said. At 58-years-old, she's spent the last five years caring for her three grandchildren each time they are removed from their permanent home by the Division of Family Services.
"Dealing with the anger, the hate and destructiveness they bring with them has been the most difficult part," she continued. "You do your best to straighten them out, then about a year, a year and a half later, they come back and you have to do the same thing all over again."
In an effort to provide resources and education to folks in situations similar to Longhibler's, the University of Missouri Butler County Extension held its annual Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Conference Tuesday at the First United Methodist Church.
Guest speakers targeting common issues grandparents face daily, including legal issues, technology, self care and library resources, offered advice while a presentation by John Fuller, human development specialist for the MU extension, conveyed the importance of each developmental stage from birth to death.
"We want them to know they're not alone in this," Fuller said. "We want to use this opportunity to get resources out there to help them through this process."
Fuller said there are nearly 120,000 children under age 18 living with either grandparents or relatives in Missouri. He said research shows elderly folks in these situations reportedly exhibit greater financial burdens and more health issues than their peers.
"We're working on transitioning this event from grandparents to other family members," Fuller explained. "Anybody raising anyone outside their immediate household, even grandparents who baby-sit everyday, could benefit from what we offer."
The social interaction, he added, is also a benefit to many of the attendees.
"Most other older folks aren't limited socially by their kids, so a lot of times they don't get invited to go out, so here they can relate to people going through the same thing," Fuller said.
Erin Rigby from the Poplar Bluff Municipal Library shared a plethora of information about library services, including tech support opportunities, computer and internet access and printing services.
Doug Dickerson, information technology director for Aging Matters in Cape Girardeau, Mo., discussed the importance of internet safety with a focus on cell phone and tablet devices. He offered tips on how to monitor a child's tech usage and shared a few close encounters he's experienced with his own children. Dickerson also mentioned safe search engines, including kiddle.co, which eliminates inappropriate material from internet searches.
Dr. Karen Traylor-Adolph, family support specialist at Parent Link in Columbia, Mo., discussed the importance of self care during the care giving process. She emphasized the freedom gained through realizing care giving is ultimately a choice.
"You don't have to do it, it's your choice," she said. "And don't be afraid to say no to things. No is your friend."
Traylor-Adolph said many times, people feel obligated to agree to things simply because "they should," but told yesterday's attendees to let that go.
"Quit shoulding on yourself," she said.
Traylor-Adolph said in order to take quality care of someone else, no matter the underlying motivation, one must first take care of themselves. She recommended making time for a relaxing activity, like reading a book, getting a massage, or even talking to a therapist, become be a priority.
"All family's are messy, life is messy," Traylor-Adolph said. "Make time to do whatever you need to do to relieve your stress."
Dr. Cynthia Brown, long-time Poplar Bluff R-1 school board member and physician, said she attends the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren conference every year.
"It breaks my heart hearing some of the stories these children are going through," said Brown, who is in her second year pursuing a Masters in Social Work through the University of Missouri. She said she is also seeking a certificate in gerontology, and one of the areas included in gerontology is the growing number of grandparents raising grandchildren.
"Coming to this event helps put a face with what I'm learning and to understand personal concerns," she said. "It's very different seeing a video or reading a book."
The University of Missouri Butler County Extension hosts a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group that meets from noon - 1 p.m. on the second Wednesday of each month from Oct. through May at 614 Lindsay Ave., across from the city swimming pool. For more information or to sponsor the group, call 573-686-8064.