Methamphetamine protected Natasha Knight from sleep, holding back the nightmares that lingered after a tour of duty in Iraq the year before U.S. forces pulled out.
The Army gunner and gate guard did not recognize the signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or the emotional scars she carried from an experience she still considers incredible.
A stint in prison and the love of her family couldn't break through that pain.
It was the terrifying realization three years after Knight left Iraq, that she no longer cared if she lived or died.
"I still have nightmares about the amount of drugs that I did right before that," said Knight, now 29. "I'm fortunate I never overdosed, but I didn't care if I did or not. I realized something needed to happen if I didn't care about my own life."
She found the change she needed in the SEMO Veterans Treatment Court Program.
Early this month, Knight became the first female veteran to graduate from the 6-year-old program, which is the first rural, multijurisdictional veterans court in the nation.
"I'm amazed by your strength and your resiliency to get to this point," drug court commissioner Phillip Brit said during a presentation in front of other veterans court participants.
"I'm proud to have been just a small part of it."
The specialty court serves veterans on probation for a felony conviction. It offers an intense and lengthy supervised treatment plan designed for veterans.
Participants meet multiple times a week in groups and individually with counselors, probation officers and other support staff.
Many are dealing with substance abuse dependence, behavioral health needs or a combination of the two.
"I definitely appreciate you all having patience with me," Knight told the court when she graduated. "I'm happy I made it. It's almost unbelievable."
It wasn't a focus on her drug addiction that led Knight to a healthier life, one where she has a job and is enrolled to start college in September.
It was working on herself, in an environment surrounded by veterans who understood what she had been through, without having even to say the words.
"When you do the 12 steps at the VA ... they have nothing really to do with drugs," Knight explained. "It's teaching you how to work on yourself, to forgive yourself and admit your faults."
Learning how the past colors her future, without letting it control tomorrow also has been key.
"I'm a completely different person from when I started that program," Knight said. "I never thought I would come this far.
"I still have a lot to work on myself, but I never thought there was hope for me to become this much better of a person."
Knight also thanked her father, Patrick Stender of Powe, Mo., for standing by her throughout everything, and her boyfriend.
Knight was the first woman in her family to serve in the military. Nearly every man on her father's side has served, including Stender, who was in the Air Force.
She plans to seek a degree in human resources and would like to work in the VA system after she graduates.
Knight currently works in the housekeeping department at John J. Pershing VA Medical Center.
The veterans court program also has asked for help in making the treatment process better for women.
Knight believes the fact that so few women have been through the program, less than six, has contributed to the fact that she was the first female graduate.
While it can be difficult being the minority in a male dominated program, she said change ultimately has to come from within each individual.
"If I hadn't been to the veterans court program, right now honestly, I would be doing a very long time in prison or I would be dead," Knight said. "Honestly, it would probably have been more toward death, as bad as I was when I went into the program."
Her advice for others facing the same struggles is to remember it can get better.